He asked to "fluff my boner.."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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