I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
