Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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