Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
