Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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