All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
