highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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