I just threw up on my dentist
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
