She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
