I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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