It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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