I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
