my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
