When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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