escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
