You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
