9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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