It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
