Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
