i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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