You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
