I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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