Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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