1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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