Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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