I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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