I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
