My liver just broke up with me...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize