FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
