He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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