Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize