How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
