i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
