I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I need to align my fucking chakras
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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