I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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