you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize