i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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