he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
