Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize