Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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