i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
