Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
