well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
