she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
