I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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