Banned from zoo.
Again?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
