Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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