dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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