On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
