Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
