Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
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