That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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