my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
