she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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