Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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