he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
