His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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